AlexisSpeaks

10-4-11

I'm here, once again. I cannot take this life. I'm so sick of it I wish to no longer here. I honestly do. I have nothing now and nothing to look forward to. Who honestly cares? I mean seriously. I'm not stupid. I realize how everything is now and how it will be and I have nothing here. No one fully understands this and if they did I wish they had the willpower to end it for me. It would be so easy if it were possible. I truly hate myself and this life I live. Why does no one see that?

8-6-11

I want to feel better. I want to do better. I want to be better. I want to look at myself in the mirror and think I'm happy to be who I am.

6-30-11

I'm scared and learning to believe him. I say I trust him, but now it's time to really believe I do. I'm scared. What if he hurts me? Will he? No... Maybe. You never know. People are capable of anything, but I love him so much. I'm becoming more and more lonely and anxious. I can't handle being with people but I fall apart when I am by myself.

Am I as crazy as he says I am? I don't hit him to hurt him. I never want to hurt him. I just want him to hit me back; to hurt me. He never will though. He's one of the only ones that truly understands or ever tries to. I love him. I need him. He is truly my everything. I beg for him to never be taken from me. I hope to never damage him, although I think I already have...

6-27-11

I'm better now, or at least I think so.

4-29-11

So I'm a baby who sits here and types all this depressing crap. I don't care then don't read it.

I got a letter from her today. All these terrible dreams all of these sad thoughts all of these "I don't care's" and all of these phrases that contain nothing but hate. I don't know where my mind should be at this point. What's okay? This is bad. It's worse than it's been in a while. I'm choosing to ignore it or the next couple of hours.

3-31-11

Today was a better day, better than most. He loves me, really. I love him, really. I need to learn how to not be so paranoid and be more relaxed. I need to not think so more, or possibly think more. I hate pressure. Every day, honestly, I feel like I have no time to do a single thing. I'm only seventeen... Why do I feel like that? That's terrible. Right now: major anxiety from thinking about school, which may I add starts in less than four days. So why worry? I just want it to stop. Relax.

3-30-11

3-29-11

I guess we're going to use a new strategy. I can just see the disappointment in others' eyes. I don't care right now, maybe later.

3-29-11

I sit here pondering what should I eat. Nothing? TV dinner? left over cheeseburger (half or whole)? I want control. I want to be slim consume what I want yet be healthy as ever. I want to be that image you have embedded into your mind. I want to be beautiful and outgoing and not to be stuck in the place. I want to be able to just run and run and never lose a breath and have no worries. I'm just crying all the time. My heart is constantly shredding into bits. How many more lies can I flood this planet with? I guess TV dinner is the choice of the afternoon. I cannot go to work on an empty stomach. I'll just want more, which will just lead me to a new strategy.

3-8-11

The current line is running through my mind and I don't know why. "Drug me up." I'm completely exhausted and I'm not sure where to go from here. What am I to do? I'm completely lost and I have no guide. I really never have. It's amazing how there was one thing for them and there have been several for me and nothing has yet to be taken seriously. It's not jealousy, I just feel as though I was overlooked as always. I want to feel numb and so dumb that my mind cannot focus on one thing. I want to not have control. That's just for now. I guess it's time to sleep.

12-28-10

I want to be this wonderful, nice, exciting person. I want to be what I want to be. I will be. I'm ridding myself of all this extra baggage.

12-28-10

People set expectations for me. I have to reach those expectations, but how come those same people don't ever reach the same expectations they set for me. Then, people complain because I'm too high for them. Isn't anyone ever happy? I know I'm not. Ironic, isn't it?

12-11-10

Ignore me. Please.

12-11-10

I wish I could disappear. I don't think anyone would notice anymore. It would be good, not for me, but for them. Now that I have the strength of mind to, he took them from me. Is this sickening? Is this absurd? Am I being ridiculous? if so, maybe I want it more. I can't do this. I'm weak and just want to give up. i don't know where my strength went. Four years of labor and it hasn't done me anything,

12-9-10

I'm in complete bliss with you, even if there's a dispute.

12-9-10

It's amazing how in a matter of seconds my insecurities can rush back to me; that my confidence and hope can be crushed so quickly. It's amazing how quickly you can gain some confidence,  happiness, and hope, and forget about your insecurities even just for the time being.

12-8-10

I feel good today. Very happy actually. There are a lot of things that normally would have upset me, but they didn't. I was impressed. I do have a concern, but there's no reason to worry... yet. 

12-8-10

You can shatter me. Are you going to?

12-8-10

I can feel again. Now that I can feel, I want things to be good and better than ever. I honestly don't think you have hope for this though. I think you've given up or possibly don't care although I know you care, I think. I've made this mistake so many times except this time I think things will never be normal again. It hurts. I hurt. I just want us and you. I need you, and you don't even realize how much. I just need your taste, your love, your strength, your weaknesses, and everything that makes you. I want no sex. I want love. 

9-19-10

I was left here to break and fall.

I feel like I blame people for the things I create. It's my fault as to why I sit here and I cry and I don't want to, but it's so much easier. This anxiety I feel everyday is tiring. I want to scream. I want to hit the accelorator and never feel again, and at the same time I don't want to wish this or hope for this. I just want to feel something again without wanting to cry at the end of the day. Why am I going back to who I was? Please listen. Please help me. Please let me be yours. Please let me believe that you won't want to ever break me.

I'm sorry

9-13-10

My mind always trails back to these bad things. It's not like I want it that way. I don't know how to fix it either. I'm scared things are going to go back to how they were. I can't just put every part of me in your hands because that's what I always do and that's how I end up so much worse than I was. I don't know how to fix my mistakes and keep them from happening. I don't what to be this depressing person anymore, but it's always so much easier. 

9-8-10

Lately, I've been happy. I think. I haven't had time to think about anything, but i don't really want to either. He makes me so happy. I know I overreact and I freak out, but it's only because I'm so scared. I'm scared to let you in. If I let you in, you'll have this power over me. You'll be able to break me in a second if you really wanted to. I don't want you to break. Things are so easy with you and it's a little scary, but it's okay.

9-8-10

Just Let Go - Mae 

8-25-10

Something is telling me all of these horrible things are going to happen. My stomach twists and it turns. My fears tear up my stomach. I wish I could be confident for you. I wish I could be beautiful for you. I hope and dream and I become more hideous as the days go by. I don't want to worry about this. You assure me all of the time. Why can't I believe it? What is wrong with me? Why can't I actually be okay for once?

This isn't what I wanted it to be.

8-20-10

I'm not sorry that I can't be care free like the rest of you. I'm not sorry that I care about what happens. I'm not sorry that I care. I'm sorry for you. I'm done caring about you. I can't handle that. You are not my love. It makes me nervous and maybe I just over think the situation. Every time you know I'm upset and hurt and you don't care. I can't care about you anymore, and it's getting easier not to.

I just want to curl up and hide under the blankets in my bed and never come out, and I want you with me.

8-15-10

It's my fault, but I'm still crying.

8-12-10

"I still can't pick my favorite place."

8-8-10

My mind is blank at this moment. I'm not sure of anything. I don't even have an idea of what I want. Where I want to be. I don't even know what I'm comfortable with anymore. I can't make a single decision. 

8-1-10

People continue to hurt me in ways that they don't know. It's my fault because I let them. Right now the thoughts running in my mind are : Why are you here? What purpose do you have? I sit here every day. When I'm in school I do work, but what for. To get a job and watch days go by. Wait for my death to come. I don't want this. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel any of it. I always end up in the same place. I just want it all to go away. I cry and cry. I scream and they hear but do not recognize the pain. They don't even want to. 

7-30-10

It's when I'm in my room, alone, with the music blaring, that I have time to myself. It's not a good thing either. I continue to think and I become more and more upset as the seconds pass. I'm not a good person, and anyone I fool I'm sorry. I just want the thoughts to stop. You know I think to myself that it'd be so much easier if there was no one in my life. If that ever happened I wouldn't be here. I'd die slowly in this room of mine. 

7-23-10

These tears are never ending. I continue to hurt myself and others twice as bad. What is wrong with me. Why do I do this stuff. Is it out of enjoyment or is it to push myself. I'm sorry. There's nothing more to say. I am crawling and begging for answers, but there are none. 

7-21-10

I feel like my lungs are being crushed.

7-16-10

I hate myself, and how I feel. I just don't want to be here.

7-12-10

My decision is obvious, but it's so much harder than it seems and no one seems to care. Why should they care though. I mope around saying 'life isn't fair, they don't care.' but really why should they. It's just me, myself, and I. And it always will be, unfortunately. Prove to me that you care. Prove to me that I'm something because I cannot find this evidence. I cannot create this confidence by myself. I will forever be hurt, I think.

7-12-10

I have to choose right. Obviously, I can't have both. it's so difficult. that maybe i won't pick either. I just want to lay here and not move. listen to everything and not have to hear it. I just want the tears to fall down my face and maybe it'll clear my head. And thoughts will hopefully be clear. I just need help. How can I love so many things.

7-10-10

I feel so dead inside. I'm so numb.

7-9-10

I'm just a confused person. 

7-9-10

This is the first time anyone has wanted to know something about me. The first time they're truly asking for me. I still feel trapped. That's going to take a while. Right now i feel like crying, I don't know if its for good or bad reasons. Both? I still cannot sleep. I'm not tired. 

A moment ago i was really calm and on the verge of crying, now I'm filled with this anger and I'm taking it out on my keyboard. "Breathe in and breathe out." 

I don't even know what to think anymore.

7-7-10

Mistakes were made. Promises were broken. I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm going to throw up. I love him so much and I sit here unsure of what to do. I'm dying. I feel like something in me just exploded. I just want to curl up in a corner and never leave. It feels like every piece of me is being broken off so slowly as my punishment. How can anyone do this. Why did I. How did I allow this. I can't lose him. He's my everything. I can't do this. How could I. How Could I? How is one even capable. I'm dying inside. So slowly and painfully. The tears keep falling and it's not fixing anything. 

7-6-10

I want to be the girl in those pictures. i just wish i was pretty. and wanted.

7-6-10

I don't think I'm good enough for anyone. why would anyone want to even get to know me. Do I just imagine these whispers about me. Would you rather have someone whispering about you or would you rather be looked over. I feel both.

7-5-10

he said " don't forget about me " and even though he meant something else i was thinking of the worst thing. I love him. 

What do I do. I don't know. My head is spinning, so fast, it's like a roller coaster that won't stop.

6-27-10

Today I was so upset. I'm so sorry, and I love you. Thank you so much for helping me.

6-21-10

6-18-10

Right now i'm confused. I'm upset. I'm hurt. I'm just okay. I'm fine.

He told me he liked me, but it doesn't seem that way. Well, it does but it seems as though he cares for other people to. I have no reason to be upset about that even though I am, but I'm really confused. No one ever tells me the truth.

Also, it doesn't seem like he cares about me. He's the only person in this whole world that should. Every thing that comes up that he should be upset about and be holding me and telling me it's okay.But he doesn't when I need and want him to, and he's my dad. And the one thing I want him to freak out about, he doesn't. He doesn't even bring it up.

Yesterday scared me. 

5-15-10

I wish stuff like that would happen to me because I wouldn't care if it did.

5-11-10

I just miss my real best friends. that's all. I know I'll never get them back and I have to deal with that, but then who is my friend.. at this time I think that I have nothing to live for. 

5-1-10

I've been pushing myself to go out.. I've been trying to try. I went out. A friendships been developing. I'm so excited because I never go out and I'm having fun. I don't want to mess it up because I'm excited. I'm sorry if it's overwhelming.. I'm just actually smiling. Thank you.

4-21-10

For now I'm trying. For now I'm showing you that I care. If I'm pushed to my limits because of you. If you do not try the way I did, then in a few days I won't show you that I care. In a few days I won't be trying. In a few day I won't be here, unless you try.

3-15-10

I'm currently listening to: Sleeping In by The Postal Service